I don’t exercise regularly. But with a new year comes the resolution to change one’s ways. And so I found myself looking for fitness programmes that I could follow in the privacy of my own home, close to my fridge.
I’m well versed in the language of apps (all available at apple.com/itunes), but I feel most comfortable in the totally inane dialect of light sabres, bubble wrap and farts. I am also fluent in ‘Peanut Butter Jelly Time’. I knew that nothing fitness-related could hold a candle to that dancing banana, yet I soldiered on, judging each app on a six-star rating system.

iPump workout, free
What it does: Pump One (pumpone.com) has a slew of different workouts on offer, but I opted for the free application, which includes two routines. You can watch them in video format and follow along, or swipe through each exercise (with written instructions on how to perform each move) like a slide show. Once you finish a workout, mark it as completed and the app will log it for you so you can track your progress.

How I used it: The word pump scares me. Fortunately, these routines register relatively low on the pumping scale. I tested the ‘resolution’ workout, which is a series of sixth-grade PE exercises like jumping jacks, lunges and crunches. There were also a few weight-lifting exercises, for which I got out my 14-ounce cans of tomatoes.

Exertion level: 3 stars
There’s nothing groundbreaking about this workout, but the novelty of the format was enough to keep me engaged through all 12 steps of the programme.

Get it? Sure, it’s free!

iWorkout Lite, free
What it does: iWorkout Lite offers instructional videos on how to perform various cardio, core, free-weight, machine, stretching and balance exercises. It has a metronome function so that you can evenly space your crunches and reps, and better play ‘Für Elise’.

How I used it: These videos, narrated by a calm-voiced New Zealander, are like the bastard child of a ‘National Geographic’ special and a YouTube viral video. It’s hard to take them seriously. So I didn’t. Instead, I watched them while I ate dinner.

Exertion level: 1 star
I was laughing pretty hard.

Get it? If you’re sad and horny, the video of a girl creating a figure eight on a balance ball might appeal to you. There’s a close-up of her lap.

iFitness, RM7.20
What it does: Like digital flash cards, this app provides images of people performing more than 115 exercises that are grouped by body region. Like most other apps, iFitness will log your workout so you can chart your progress. It comes with seven workouts already programmed, but you can also create your own workout by shuffling around and reordering any of the 115 exercises.

How I used it: A lot of these exercises require machinery that I don’t possess. So I chose to try out the ‘business travel’ workout, which substitutes an ottoman for weights and shows you how to improvise a lat fly with a towel. I felt like I was on a treasure hunt, digging up objects for me to lift. The fun stopped there, though: these are serious exercises more appropriate for someone who actually knows where their lats are located.

Exertion level: 2 stars
I got about halfway through the routine and then just lay on my towel for a while.

Get it? Only if you have a gym membership and are scared to ask staff members how to use the equipment.

Yoga Stretch, RM7.20
What it does: This application offers images with trippy colourful backgrounds and a slinky, silhouetted woman in 35 yoga poses. You can use them as flash cards, where you view each pose along with its Sanskrit name, directions, and physical and mental benefits; or let the app manually reveal a slide show narrated by a breathy female voice.

How I used it: Yoga is something that I actually like to practice but never do because turning on the DVD player or booting up my computer seems too much of an obstacle. So I loved that I could just plop in front of my iPhone for this. The pictures awoke an innate monkey-see, monkey-do quality in me, and I happily completed the entire cycle.

Exertion level: 4 stars
That shit ain’t easy.

Get it? Yes, but only if you’ve taken a handful of yoga classes. The instructions aren’t detailed enough for beginners.

PushupFu, RM 10.80
What it does: Strap your i-device to your arm, and this programme counts the number of push-ups you can do in a certain amount of time. It even evaluates your form: If you don’t go down far enough, the programme will judge it a ‘half’ push-up. Compare your data to other users’ and even challenge them in a push-up war.

How I used it: I had to MacGyver a strap out of hair elastics, but once I had it securely on my arm, I cranked out 17 push-ups. That’s more than I’ve done cumulatively in my entire life. It’s like having a fun personal drill sergeant, and the exercises are turned into a game. I even challenged someone in Great Britain to a war – must have been the adrenaline. His record was 252 push-ups, and he’s yet to accept my duel. Chicken.

Exertion level: 5 stars
My armpits hurt. So does brushing my teeth.

Get it? Yes! It made me want to do push-ups.

Note: All prices have been converted into Ringgit Malaysia. Prices may vary according to exchange rates.