Single female seeking: The formerly single columnist
By Sarah W
The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things, of revelations and surprises and an epiphany that stings. Modesty precludes me from suggesting that this column exerts a vast influence. Instead, I choose to draw attention to events that have unfolded since finding myself in a bonafide relationship. My entry into coupledom has caused hilarity among my friends. Apparently, it’s a leap of faith. ‘What, an actual boyfriend? Someone whose like, needs, you have to take into account?’ sniggered a friend of mine. Well, thanks.
When this column was a mere slip of a column, back in ye olden time, it recalls thinking that being exclusive with someone somewhat easy. Oh, dear reader, if I could go back in time, I would slap myself silly! I have a glimpsed a truth about real relationships: they are profoundly inconvenient. Being in a relationship means there’s another person there, different from you, likely to respond to what you say and do in wholly unexpected ways. This can be exhilarating but can be scary and tricky. Relationships also have a long discovery process, during which a partner’s every annoying habit is recognised, tagged and catalogued. This is followed by a long recovery process, as a person works to accept and/or ignore all of these annoying habits.
However, there are very real upsides: when I fall into my twentysomething ways – a roundabout way of saying that I wake up on Sunday morning wretchedly hungover – I have someone who makes me tea in bed and appreciates that I have to lie motionless all afternoon. When we spend time together, it doesn’t matter what we do; time seems to zip past like an episode of Spongebob Squarepants. The boyfriend helped me discover that real human hearts are not cast in gold or made of candy. Real human hearts are bloody, meaty messes of fear and emotion.
I suppose the rule of boyfriends apply to everyone. They’re lovely but they’re not the solution to all your problems. He’ll be the beginning of a whole new set. But this set of problems comes with companionship, orgasms, affection and pillow fights, so things are definitely looking up.